Seeds feed on ground awhile, then lift up into the sun. So you should taste filtered light and work toward what has no personal covering.That's how you came here, like a star with no name. Move in the night sky with those anonymous lights.
Rumi
Bubble galaxy viewed from Hubble
Yesterday wasn't a good day. It was my father's birthday and I phoned to wish him a happy birthday My mother answered the phone. She was feeling terrible, she said, and I tried to talk to her about the things the doctor had suggested doing to cope with the anxiety attack she was having and her arthritis pain. She didn't want to listen and handed the phone to my father who told me that he didn't want to listen either, that he knew better, etc. etc. It was another frustrating call with my parents.
After I hung up the phone, what started out as a good day became a "dark" day. I now felt terrible too. For people with PTSD this kind of upset, often out of proportion to an event, is referred to as "triggering." Triggers can be internal or external. Internal triggers can be emotions triggered by an argument or a conversation or any other event that leads to a spiral of negative feelings. External triggers are things like anniversaries, smells, sounds, or people.
Normally, I am pretty good at managing my response to triggers. However, sometimes I'm not so good. The last time I saw my doctor, she said that having "bad" days was part of the PTSD terrain and that it was important to accept that. After more than a week of good days, I wasn't in an accepting mood. I felt frustrated and helpless in the face of my unpleasant emotions. No, I didn't feel like: going for a walk, reading a book, or just about anything else my husband suggested. Luckily for me, my son was more insistent and urged me to come and watch a DVD with him. We watched an episode of the wonderfully-produced Wallander Swedish-detective series together. And, oddly enough, watching Kurt Wallender lurch from one crisis to another lifted my spirits.
The next morning I still wasn't feeling great. When I got up, my husband had made blueberry pancakes and sausage for breakfast and I ate a good breakfast, then felt like going back to bed and I did for a while. Then, my husband suggested that we go for a walk, so we went to Kitsilano and strolled along a stretch of Broadway that we both particularly like. I found a beautiful book of Rumi's poetry in one of my favorite used bookstores (where I found the poem above). We had hot chocolate and muffins at Uprisings, a new bakery in the neighborhood, and sat by the window and people-watched. Some people were alone, some had children with them, and some had dogs, many of which were wearing small coats or sweaters. It was a cold day for Vancouver, and when it actually gets below freezing here, many people - and their pets - dress as though it was the Arctic. I once lived much closer to the Arctic than here and it always cheers me up to see people behaving as though it were terribly cold, when it really isn't.
dogs wearing coats
Then we went home and I read Rumi and found the poem above. I can't say that I understand it, but I love the images of seeds lifting to the sun and people "tasting the filtered light." That's how it is sometimes. I get by on dark Swedish mysteries, Rumi, hot chocolate and little dogs dressed in funny coats. And life goes on.
What sorts of things cheer you up or help you cope with "bad" days?
