You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Marcus Aurelius
Balancing (photo: Olivia, flickr creative commons)
A funny thing has been happening to me lately. When I feel emotionally overwhelmed by events, angry emails, and worries, at first I focus on the external stimulus, like I have for much of my life. Then, it's as if a switch goes off in my brain and I say to myself, "You know what, I can't do anything about _____ (fill in the blank with your stressor of choice). But I can do something about myself." Then I ask myself, "what do you want to do?" This may not seem like rocket science; however, it is a revelation for people who have been grappling with PTSD and grief. It's huge. A quote from Madeleine L'Engle (author of A Wrinkle in Time) does a perfect job of describing what this feels like, "That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they've been all along." And that's so true. I find myself thinking, "Gee, why couldn't I do this before," and wondering if all those times that my therapist said, "you can only control yourself," finally trickled down into my brain. Whatever happened, I can feel myself healing and it feels good. Scary too.
Beans sprouting (photo: Flora Cyclam, flickr creative commons)
How will you know if you're healing? Your first sign may be a similar desire to turn towards yourself instead of turning towards the other, turning inward, rather than outward; being able to focus on yourself the way the woman above is focusing on balancing that egg. Before I began to heal, I was easily derailed by the needs of others, my desire to control the uncontrollable, and my desire to make my emotional pain go away. These days, I find that I can listen to myself, where before listening to myself was too frightening to do. These signs of healing are still new, however, and I am protective of them the way my husband is protective of the seedlings that are hardening off on the patio before he puts them in the garden. My healing still needs to "harden off." It's fragile, but not so fragile that it can't stand a few knocks. It feels miraculous, the way seedlings always seem to me when they first burst out of the seed. I know it's going to happen, but it's a miracle just the same.
Another man with complex PTSD discusses his own signs of healing here.
Self-heal (photo: Jerry Oldenettel, flickr creative commons)
For me the strongest sign of true healing has been my newfound ability to trust myself. This self-trust has been coming for a long time, like a seed planted in the fall, that sprouts in the spring. My singing, writing this blog, therapy, reading, and spending quiet time alone, have all contributed to my healing. Self-compassion and self-kindness have also been essential. And, more and more often, I trust myself. Just saying those words, "I trust myself," bring tears to my eyes. Maybe that sounds maudlin, but I survived so many traumas, beginning at age 17, that trusting myself has not been part of my life. When I was looking for images of healing, I came across a flower called self-heal. I didn't even know there was a plant named self-heal, but I think it is a lovely name and, while I realize that I haven't healed alone - I've had lots of help and support - self-heal(ing) has a beautiful ring to it. The flower of the self-heal plant has a simple beauty, as you can see from the photograph above.
If you haven't detected signs of healing in your own life, don't beat up on yourself. It may not be time yet; you may still be struggling with the necessary stage of allowing yourself to feel your pain and grieve the losses you've experienced. Don't give up. For most of us, things will get better. Healing may be slow and quiet, but I believe that if we do the work it will come. To end, here's a quote from St. Bartholomew and a song from Ruthie Foster.
Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain.
St. Bartholomew
What signs of healing have you experienced? I'd love to hear your story.
