Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
Mary Anne Radmacher
Small sprout (photo: Adam Foster, flickr creative commons)
1. Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel
Allow yourself to feel what you feel: sad, angry, afraid, frustrated. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that losing a child or other loved one to estrangement hurts. Even though there isn't a body, you're grieving. Fighting your grief - or whatever form your hurt takes - is exhausting. So spend some time with your feelings in whatever way feels right for you.
2. Be Kind to Yourself
Practice self-kindness. Don't expect too much of yourself - for now - and don't talk to yourself with that harsh, "it's all your fault" voice. That won't help bring your loved one back. A good place to get started is with The gift of loving-kindness by Mary Brantley and Tesilya Hanauer.
3. Pamper Yourself
Treat yourself to small - or not so small - things that make you feel cared for. Have a latte, eat some chocolate, get a pedicure or a massage, listen to your favorite music, take a bubble bath. Only you know what will help you right now. If you're stuck for ideas here's a great list of 25 ways to comfort yourself.
4. Pace yourself
The truth is that you have no idea how long the estrangement will last and so, at first, it's normal to feel panicked, almost frantic. Most of us can't keep that pace up for long or we'll collapse. Waiting can be the hardest thing in the world and that's why pacing is essential. The hardest thing is we can't see the end and the flame of hope flickers - sometimes burning bright, sometimes almost going out. Keep hope alive by caring for yourself in ways that help you become stronger.
5. Talk to a friend, a therapist, or another safe person
Keeping things inside doesn't help. I talk to my therapist, several close friends, and my husband. They don't have answers, but they don't judge me either, and they provide me with much needed compassion. But BE CAREFUL, don't talk to people who judge you or tell you things like, "just get over it." Avoid those sorts of people like the plague.
6. Participate in an online support group
There are many online support groups. I'll list a few here to get you started.
Estranged Parents of Adult Children
Facebook Support Group for Parents of Estranged Adult Children
[Birth Mother,] First Mother Forum (for those, like myself, estranged due to adoption)
Qi gong, Chinese meditation (photo: Phil Carlton, flickr creative commons)
7. Adopt (or continue) a centering practice
I can't say enough about the importance of committing to a mindfulness/centering practice. I sing, write, walk, and read poetry (not all at once!). Sometimes I am too sad to practice. That's okay. When I can, I pull myself back up from the "slough of despond" and continue. Each one of the practices I follow help me in specific ways. Below are some other good practices.
- Yoga
- Tai chi
- Qi gong
- Swimming
- Running
- Knitting
Anything that helps to quiet the noise in your head is great.
8. Go slow
I've made a lot of suggestions, but don't head off in too many directions at once. If your estrangement is recent, be careful of not taking on too much. Sometimes,it's enough just to get through the day.
9. Listen to yourself/listen to your deepest heart
If you aren't sure what to do, practice listening to yourself. I'm working harder to trust myself and to listen to what I would really like to do, not what I think I should or ought to do. It's like the quote at the beginning of this post, sometimes courage is "the quiet voice." And if it's a quiet voice coming from inside, you need to listen carefully or you'll miss it.
Good friends can be a great source of comfort (photo: Pat Kight, flickr creative commons)
10. Take comfort where you can
I can't overstate this enough. I don't know about you, but I crave comfort and kindness because I feel battered and hurt by the rejection of my daughter and my ex (her father.) Good friends provide wonderful solace for the soul. Enjoy lunch, a walk, or coffee with a friend or loved one. The break will do you good.
Allowing yourself to spend a day in bed reading or doing nothing is a different sort of comfort. I often turn to books for comfort and recently picked up a wonderful one, Mala of the Heart edited by Ravi Nathwani and Kate Vogt. The book is a collection of short sacred poems by well-known authors, like Rumi, and lesser known writers like Mechtild of Magdeburg. Here's one of my favorite poems from the book.
Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances.
That's not for human beings. Move within,
but don't move the way fear makes you move.
Rumi
One last thought: it might not seem that way now, but - somehow - life goes on. Light and love find their way out of the darkness.
