It's taken me awhile to write the next post in the series I've promised. That's because I really couldn't decide what should come next. I identified "the problem," last time and explained where things are with my husband and I. Now what, I asked. I thought I'd start with talking about how your loved one(s) should find out more about PTSD. Then, a conversation I had with my husband last night changed my mind. We talked about how he'd been feeling and why he felt overwhelmed and, as I listened, at first I was upset and then I realized that he was doing the best he could to explain. It was hard for me not to jump in. Somehow, however, I managed to mostly bite my tongue and wait for him to talk and then I didn't respond, I just thought about what he said. (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back.) Easy? Absolutely not. Critical? You bet.
My point here, is that the most important thing to do is to go slow. Don't feel like you - or your partner - has to "do anything," right now. Better, in fact, to do nothing. It's like someone said, "Don't just do something, sit there." (Ah, if only one were the Buddha, but one isn't.) There's no rush. We often want a solution to problems right away, but PTSD doesn't lend itself to quick solutions. I have a book on my shelf, The Power of Patience by M.J. Ryan that I've read twice. I think it's time to read it again. Another book on patience caught my eye. Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living by Allan Lokos looks like - from its table of contents - it would be an invaluable resource. In our case, it took my husband three years to get to the point of burnout. During those three years, I did more work with my PTSD and processing trauma than I've ever done. It was exhausting for me and for my husband. Recovering from that intense period won't happen overnight.
If you're trying to help your partner cope with your PTSD, focus on qualities first and knowledge second. I was going to write this series the other way around, however, after listening to my husband last night, I realized that he's not ready for a lot of knowledge. He's still too stressed and needs space and - yes - patience. Thankfully, I can do that. It's not easy, but it's possible.
What are some qualities to cultivate?
- Patience
- Kindness
- Ability to Listen
- Compassion
- Empathy
- Detachment (just enough, not too much)
None of this will be easy. Turn to other supports if you need help and don't expect too much from your partner right now. This may not feel good. It may feel sad and lonely and trigger anxiety. However, rushing in to try and get your partner to respond the way you want in order to ease your anxiety - which may be running high - isn't the answer. I realize that many people with PTSD can't do this. That's when it's time get a counsellor or therapist to help with the process. My husband and I are doing that too, but, meanwhile, I'm trying to stay calm and mostly do nothing. Wish me luck and I wish you luck too.
Next time, I'll talk about how you can slowly and gently share information about PTSD with your partner without overwhelming them with TMI (too much information).
And if you don't have time to read a book on patience here's a great post from WikiHow on Learn to be Patient.
And here are some "words of wisdom," I think most of us know, sung by the late Ray Charles. (For me, "let it be," doesn't mean ignore it, it means be with it, learn from it, wait for it.)
