In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel "burnout" setting in . . . it is best for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.
The Dalai Lama
Caring for someone with PTSD can be exhausting and frustrating work. Even if the loved one who is caring for you during difficult times has good intentions, they're human. That means that they're vulnerable to compassion fatigue and burnout. That's what's happened to my husband. Sadly, the person with PTSD (aka me or you) may not realize how hard things are for our partner because we are fighting a tough battle ourselves. It may not be our job to care for the caregiver ourselves - indeed many times we are simply unable to. However, I wish now that I had pushed harder for my husband to find out more about PTSD and for us to go to counselling together, while he was still motivated.
So what's going on? Does your partner have PTSD caregiver burnout or compassion fatigue? It makes a difference because someone with serious burnout may be at risk of leaving the relationship or behaving inappropriately with their loved one. Someone with compassion fatigue - depending upon whose definition you read - may just need a break or go into therapy to deal with these issues. (You'll also notice if you follow the links that these terms are used fairly interchangeably. Whatever term you use the real message is clear: GET SOME HELP!) Joining a support group would be great. Unfortunately, men may be less willing (at least my husband is) to talk to friends and others about how he's feeling. (On the very bright side, he is seeing a therapist.) As with most things, however, the first step is to get someone to recognize what's going on. Because of the anger that can be associated with compassion fatigue/vicarious trauma it may seem to make more sense to blame the person with PTSD and see the solution as "getting away" from them. In some cases, that may seem like the only choice, particularly if there is violence involved. Everyone has a right to keep themselves safe. However, for my husband and I separating would not only be very expensive (we live in Vancouver one of the world's most expensive cities), but ultimately might not solve the problem or, if it does, it would "solve" my husband's problem at the expense of myself and our family. I think that would be very sad for all of us.
What can you do about Compassion Fatigue (CF)?
The answer isn't easy and there's probably no quick fix. The start, as this article on Compassion Fatigue points out, is to recognize that you are experiencing CF or burnout or whatever term you choose to use. The next step, hopefully, would be to get help before it's too late. When I say you here, I mean the caregiver and not the person with PTSD. They are the top priority when it comes to burnout and compassion fatigue. However, couples counselling around the issue of PTSD can be a great choice that helps both partners at the same time.
Here's an upbeat video about a serious topic.
Dr. Frank Ocberg talks about how he sees the difference between compassion fatigue and burnout. He thinks that someone with compassion fatigue is just exhausted. Someone with burnout, in his opinion, needs to either find another profession or take a break. Easier said than done, when your partner is the issue. Time will tell with my husband. I remain as hopeful as I can, but some days it's pretty tough and also difficult not to be angry. All I can do, however, is try each day. I plan to read Susan Johnson's book, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Trauma Survivors, if I can get my hands on a copy.
Flowers well take root in the tiniest amount of soil. I've seen it in the mountains and in the North. Sometimes, they seem to be growing right out of the rock. So, right now, there doesn't seem very much in my marriage to grow hope in, but I haven't given up yet.
Some final words:
Some things can only happen through time. They only happen - time carries them.
(M.C. Richards)
