There are all kinds of addicts, I guess. We all have pain. And we look for ways to make the pain go away.
Sherman Alexie
Whitney Houston performing in New York City
It was the 80s and women singers were HUGE. In those days, my husband and I were raising two teenaged foster daughters and every day after school they would plop themselves down on the couch and watch music videos. Today, music videos seem quaint artifacts of another era. In those days, they were the only show in town. Whitney Houston, Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, Tina Turner, our girls adored them all.
They were all great performers, but there was something truly special about Whitney Houston. Young and beautiful and shining. When you heard her sing "The Greatest Love," you couldn't help but get tears in your eyes. "Everybody's searching for a hero/people need someone to look up to." Whitney was "someone to look up to," for our daughters. We believed in her and in them too.
The 80s were filled with bright shining moments. Our daughters were fabulous volleyball players and doing well in school. Whitney kept ringing up hits, seemingly just as beautiful year after year. In those days, I believed that our daughters were going to escape the curse of alcoholism that blighted the native community they came from. Sadly, that's not what happened. Both of our daughters are now in their 30s and struggle with alcoholism. Whitney's struggles with substance abuse were newsworthy and her death put substance abuse and addiction in the spotlight (again).
Unlike Whitney, our two girls are still alive. One is a binge drinker who manages to hold her life together just enough to stay alive. She's had more than one wake-up call over the years: a nearly fatal car crash while she was drinking, two stays in the hospital with liver and kidney problems, and other things I don't even know about. Our other daughter is one of those drink-every-day-kind of alcoholics. She hasn't - as far as I know - had any close brushes with death, but she has lost four brothers to alcohol or drug-related causes. I'd like to think that Whitney's death will serve as another kind of wake-up call for both of our daughters. One has already phoned. "Is it true," she asked. "Is Whitney really dead? What happened?" When I told her, she said, "That would never happen to me." If only that were true. Sure, she may never drown or OD in a bathtub in a fancy hotel room. But unless she stops drinking - I doubt she'll live to see 50. I really hated to write that sentence, but I think it's true. Just today, she phoned and told my husband, when he asked how she was, that "I am going to keep on drinking." (Photo above, one of our daughters on the beach in Vancouver)
Depressing? Yes. Hopeless? No. Today, I ate lunch at a lovely cafe and a man sitting nearby was working on his laptop and, as is my wont, we fell into conversation. They were talking about Whitney Houston on the television that was mounted on one wall of the cafe and, it turns out, the man had been in sobriety for 5 years. We spent some time discussing why it's so hard to "get clean." He thought that the person trying to get sober really has to want it or they won't work hard enough. He also thought that you need to get to the heart of the pain that fuels the addiction. And that's the connection to PTSD: both of our daughters have experienced significant traumas in their lives and they drink to ease that pain. I don't know why Whitney had substance abuse issues or what her pain was. I'm only sorry that whatever her demons were, they destroyed her.
One of the last things the man told me was that sobriety takes a long time to feel good. In his case it took over a year. Then, one morning, he said, he woke up and noticed that the sun was shining and the birds were singing. Here's an iconic poem for all those who didn't make it past substance abuse to the shining sun and singing birds.
One drink is too many for me and a thousand is not enough.
Brendan Behan
When I started writing this post, I began looking around for quotes on alcoholism. Many of the quotes I found were funny. As my son pointed out, drinking can be funny, but not if it's happening in your own home. He knows all about that because one of his older sisters is an alcoholic and during her last stay with us, she had her good days and her bad days. The good days were wonderful and the bad days were disruptive and not particularly funny. One night my son was in bed around 1 a.m. when he was awakened by a voice in his room. His sister had wandered in drunk. "Where am I?" she asked belligerently. "My room," my son declared. "So you say!" she answered. "Mom!" my son yelled and I woke up, ran down the hall and got our daughter back into bed and told her to stay there. Thankfully, I didn't hear anymore that night and another crisis was averted.
For people who have loved ones who are alcoholics, that's what the holidays are like: lurching from one potential crisis to another. If your loved one is one of those drinks-steadily-all-the-time alcoholics, you can plan for that. If they're binge drinkers like our daughter, you can't plan. All you can do is hold your breath and hope for the best, meanwhile trying to be vigilant for signs he or she is drinking. Needless to say this doesn't make for a pleasant holiday - more like Holiday Hell.
Here are some of the ways I cope with my daughter's holiday drinking.
I try not to have expectations
I am firm that I don't like her drinking, but that I love her
I make sure that if she is spending Christmas with her children, they are safe
I send her supportive cards and emails
I do not, under any circumstances, send her money. Gift cards are a better choice
If she visits at Christmas and drinks, I do not blame myself or her
Dealing with an alcoholic daughter, can be distressing. However, I realize that it is much easier than dealing with an alcoholic spouse or parent. Don't try and "hold it together" for the holidays if you think that your partner poses a danger to yourself or to other vulnerable family members. GET HELP. And if you are an older child - let's say a teenager or young adult - the same applies. See below for an excellent post about how to keep alcoholic family members from ruining the holidays.
If you are coping with a loved one who drinks, Al-Anon is one of your best resources. I have to admit that I have been slow to turn to Al-Anon myself. What happens, is that during a crisis I tell myself that I really should go to an Al-Anon meeting. Then, once the crisis passes, I get busy and forget about my resolution. However, if you read the post below, it may convince you to do otherwise. I have made a resolution to attend Al-Anon meetings in the New Year and this time I mean to stick by it. So, if you are dealing with stress related to a loved one's drinking this holiday season connect with Al-Anon
Maybe you are the alcoholic and, if so, my heart goes out to you. I know a great deal about the heartbreaking struggle alcoholics face once drinking is no longer fun. I have listened to my daughter's tears, her anger, and her despair. The holidays are a lethal time of year for alcoholics and they can use all the help they can get. The bottom line, however, is that if you are that alcoholic, you have to reach out for help. The hard truth is that only you can stay sober. No one can do it for you no matter how much they love you. That being said, it is important not to beat up on yourself during the holidays. Increasing the pressure, when there's already more than enough to go around, won't help. Coping with the holidays is just plain hard work, so take a deep breath and write down these words by the Dalai Lama: "Whenever possible be kind; it is always possible." Now, hold onto that piece of paper and read it whenever you're in a self-hating mood. And DON'T follow Amy Winehouse's advice about rehab, no matter how catchy the song may be.
Last, but certainly not least, what if you are the Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACA). You escaped the holidays where there was more fighting than fun, when you had to hide in your room when things got tough, when there were more bottles than Christmas presents, but you survived. For you, the holidays are a minefield of triggers that bring back the grief and trauma of the past. If so, don't feel obliged to act HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, when what you really feel is SAD, SAD, SAD. Check the link below for more advice.
