Life after Trauma

Silence and Trauma Survivors: Lessons from Holocaust Survivors

I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation.

Elie Wiesel

 

Silence (Ciudadano Poeta)

 I'm shifting gears here a bit to talk about silence and the Holocaust for two reasons:

a) I'm working on an editing project with a woman whose father survived the Holocaust, yet never spoke about it.

b) How my husband and I communicate (or don't) about my own trauma is a big issue for us.

 

Alice Herz-Sommer (photo: kultura.gricni.com)

Typically, trauma survivors respond by either remaining silent or by speaking out. My son asked me if there's any in between. I'm sure there are. We're human and some people, such as Elie Weisel, have the eloquence and gifts to write and speak at length and convincingly of their experiences. Others, may not have such gifts and may speak out privately, to a therapist or trusted friend. Those who maintain silence, however, tend to do so more consistently. At least, the stories I've heard and read suggest that that is the case. A recent memoir, for example, A Century of Wisdom: Lessons from the Life of Alice Herz-Sommer, the World's Oldest Living Holocaust Survivor, had few lessons for me and the ones I did glean were not ones I would want to emulate. After the war, Alice emigrated to Israel and held informal musical concerts in her home. Anyone was welcome with the rule that "her visitors must never ask her questions about or speak of the Holocaust in  her home. The years from the time they were deported by the Nazis until they arrived in Israel were not topics for conversations." (p. 32) When no less of a figure than Golda Meir asked Alice about her Holocaust experiences, she replied that, "I never talk about that time . . . I do not want my son to remember. I want his childhood to be happy." (p. 34)

You might think I am being mean-spirited about Alice and, perhaps, I am. However, research shows that silence can be destructive for the children of Holocaust survivors and other trauma survivors. See the article below for more thoughts on this. On the other hand, as Judith Herman (the author of Trauma and Recovery) says, "Because reliving a traumatic experience provokes such emotional distress, traumatized people go to great lengths to avoid it." To speak about something, makes it real. This may be much too painful for some people to bear and, as someone who lost a lot but not as much as Alice Herz-Sommer, I understand that "making it real," by speaking can be tremendously difficult. So whether Alice was protecting herself or her son isn't clear. Whatever the case, she clearly led a long and happy life after surviving, which is a sort of miracle. I don't begrudge her that long, happy life. I do wonder, however,  how she could go forward as though her past were a blank. See the article below for more thoughts on how silence can be harmful: 

 Why Silence Doesn't Work

 

UK Prime Minister David Cameron meets with Holocaust survivor Trude Levi, 2011 (The Prime Minister's Office)

 

Australia has the second highest number of aging Holocaust survivors in the world. Many nursing homes and old-age facilities are helping aging survivors cope with the painful memories of the past and honor them through special programs and protocols. 

Last thoughts: people will try to silence you if you are a trauma survivor, so why silence yourself? The truth is that few people can face the hard truths of such events and, in the case of the woman whom I'm helping with her manuscript, her husband and sons no longer want to hear about what they call her "obsession."  In some ways, I understand this. In other ways, since I have myself survived trauma, I have trouble understanding how a non-trauma survivor feels when hearing about trauma and how I can communicate with them so that they can hear. Maybe I can't. If so, that, too, will be very sad. Tomorrow, my husband and I have our first couples counselling session and I'm sure this issue of trauma and silence will be one of the topics for discussion. (More on our session in a few days.)

What do you think? Should trauma survivors speak out or not? Why is it so hard for people to "hear" them?

Dealing with your loved ones when you have PTSD: Part 1 - Go slow and carry lots of patience

It's taken me awhile to write the next post in the series I've promised. That's because I really couldn't decide what should come next. I identified "the problem," last time and explained where things are with my husband and I. Now what, I asked. I thought I'd start with talking about how your loved one(s) should find out more about PTSD. Then, a conversation I had with my husband last night changed my mind. We talked about how he'd been feeling and why he felt overwhelmed and, as I listened, at first I was upset and then I realized that he was doing the best he could to explain. It was hard for me not to jump in. Somehow, however, I managed to mostly bite my tongue and wait for him to talk and then I didn't respond, I just thought about what he said. (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back.) Easy? Absolutely not. Critical? You bet.

 

Buddha (flickr creative commons)

 My point here, is that the most important thing to do is to go slow. Don't feel like you - or your partner - has to "do anything," right now. Better, in fact, to do nothing. It's like someone said, "Don't just do something, sit there." (Ah, if only one were the Buddha, but one isn't.) There's no rush. We often want a solution to problems right away, but PTSD doesn't lend itself to quick solutions. I have a book on my shelf, The Power of Patience by M.J. Ryan that I've read twice. I think it's time to read it again. Another book on patience caught my eye. Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living by Allan Lokos looks like - from its table of contents - it would be an invaluable resource. In our case, it took my husband three years to get to the point of burnout. During those three years, I did more work with my PTSD and processing trauma than I've ever done. It was exhausting for me and for my husband. Recovering from that intense period won't happen overnight. 

If you're trying to help your partner cope with your PTSD, focus on qualities first and knowledge second. I was going to write this series the other way around, however, after listening to my husband last night, I realized that he's not ready for a lot of knowledge. He's still too stressed and needs space and - yes - patience. Thankfully, I can do that. It's not easy, but it's possible. 

What are some qualities to cultivate?

• Patience
• Kindness
• Ability to Listen
• Compassion
• Empathy
• Detachment (just enough, not too much)

 

Coping (flickr creative commons)

 

None of this will be easy. Turn to other supports if you need help and don't expect too much from your partner right now. This may not feel good. It may feel sad and lonely and trigger anxiety. However, rushing in to try and get your partner to respond the way you want in order to ease your anxiety - which may be running high - isn't the answer. I realize that many people with PTSD can't do this. That's when it's time get a counsellor or therapist to help with the process. My husband and I are doing that too, but, meanwhile, I'm trying to stay calm and mostly do nothing. Wish me luck and I wish you luck too. 

Next time, I'll talk about how you can slowly and gently share information about PTSD with your partner without overwhelming them with TMI (too much information). 

And if you don't have time to read a book on patience here's a great post from WikiHow on Learn to be Patient. 

And here are some "words of wisdom," I think most of us know, sung by the late Ray Charles. (For me, "let it be," doesn't mean ignore it, it means be with it, learn from it, wait for it.)

 

How to cope when your loved one(s) feel overwhelmed by your PTSD

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it.

Lena Horne

Carrying packs, Nepal (Sam Judson, flickr creative commons)

I haven't been posting for a while because the last week or so has been a very stressful one. One week and three days ago, my husband told me how overwhelmed he's been feeling about my PTSD and my emotional turmoil over dealing with my aging parents. These things are emotional and my husband - as many men - doesn't deal well with emotion. To be honest, he's a bit of an emotional phobic. What that seems to mean, as best as he was able to explain it, is that when I'm feeling intense emotions he feels overwhelmed. He even cried. I was at a loss for words. I really had no idea that he was feeling that way. I knew he was pulling away from me; however, I just assumed it was his usual too much work, not enough time. Apparently, the final straw was our visit to my parents. Things seemed to go well enough, to me, although they were stressful. My husband seemed to take it in stride. Then, about two weeks after we got back, he dropped the bomb. Well, it's not that saying he feels overwhelmed was so bad, it was the fact that he used the D word and I felt like he was blaming me: saying that I was "wrong," to have PTSD. I suspect some of you out there with PTSD - and your loved ones - may have had similar experiences. Call it burnout or whatever you want, it's never easy dealing with PTSD. 

 

Alone (Adrian S. Jones, flickr creative commons)

 How my husband feels

• Isolated
• Alone
• As though I don't care about him because I'm distracted by processing trauma
• As though we are moving in different directions: me inward, him outward

What my husband is doing

• Going for walks alone each evening
• Sleeping in the guest room
• Going to see a therapist - well, he went for the first time today
• Thinking a lot

How I feel

• Afraid
• Abandoned
• Sad
• Empathetic
• Angry

What I'm doing

• Seeing my doctor and therapist more often
• Being kind to my husband and myself
• Paying more attention to my husband and acknowledging his feelings/needs
• Spending time on Pinterest to deal with stress
• Listening to healing music
• Cooking dinner several times a week (an issue that I need an entire post to explain)

 

All alone (Mariag, flickr creative commons)

 

Now what? This issue of living with someone who has PTSD isn't an easy one. It's tremendously complex and not one that can be dealt with in a single post. So, I'm planning a series on the topic. Several of you have been asking about this and I'm sorry I didn't get to it sooner. Maybe I should have used the word "help" in the title of this post because that's what we all need. Help, and lots of it. We need to support ourselves, individually and as a couple. Easier said than done? Absolutely. But I know there are good resources out there on this topic and my goal is to find some and share them with you. 

Here's a great article to start with on PTSD Caregiver Burnout. 

A final thought: look for small signs of hope. When I got up this morning, I found a note on the table from my husband, who had left the house early to go to therapy. "Have a good day!" he'd written on a piece of notebook paper. I smiled.