You cannot step into the same river twice.
Heraclitus
No offense to Heraclitus but even if you can't step in the same river twice, you can watch someone you love step in their own river for the first time. That's what I've been doing this spring and summer - watching my 18-year-old-son fall in love, graduate from high school, and move forward into the next phase of his life. It's unsettling to watch my son navigate the life passages that were so perilous in my own life. I've already written a similar post on the subject, so here's my second take. It's been over two weeks since my son's graduation and, since then, he spent the first night with his girlfriend (while her parents were away) and that, in itself, was a trigger of another sort. I can only guess what happened and to ask would be an invasion of their privacy. I assume, however, that something happened. And that thought is unsettling too. Not that I begrudge them their love or their happiness. Not at all. It's just that watching their love, is a trigger for all sorts of feelings. These feelings are so complex that, sometimes, I can't even put a name to them. I'm happy for them, sad for me and my first love and on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Some days it's not on my mind too much. Other days, like today when we took my son and his girlfriend out for lunch, it's hard to quit thinking about things. And some days I want to warn them: "be careful, love is so fragile, you could lose it just like that, in the blink of an eye." But, of course, I don't because they wouldn't understand.
The fact that my son is going through the same events that I did during one of the darkest years of my life, reminds me of a planetary alignment. (Apparently astronomers call this event syzgy.) As much as I understand - which isn't a lot, this is an event when, from our perspective here on earth, three planets are lined up. I'm not sure what astronomers learn from alignments; however, my own alignment has definitely been a learning experience. And that surprises me: that good could come out of a PTSD flashback and it could facilitate healing in ways I didn't expect. Others have also written about this phenomenon.
Things I've Learned
- First love is precious and fragile.
- Everyone should be supported when they are navigating the passage to adulthood.
- Time doesn't heal all wounds.
- Kindness is more important than most of us realize.
- The things I lost when I was 17, 18, & 19 are irreplaceable.
- Watching my son and his girlfriend hurts me and heals me.
- Life goes on and happiness comes again in one form or another.
- Learning from an emotional flashback is better than running away.
- Despite everything that's happened in my life, I can still be sentimental about young love.
