They say everything can be replaced
Yet every distance is not near
Bob Dylan
Today is my daughter's birthday. I lost her on this day 41 years ago and didn't see her again until she was 29 and then two years ago I lost her again. I realize that the circumstances weren't normal. After all, when are circumstances normal with adoption reunions? There's nothing normal about a baby being taken from its mother at birth and growing up in another family. This is a huge obstacle to overcome when the two - if the two - meet again. Adoption reunions often unfold in predictable stages:
1. Search
2. Reunion
3. Honeymoon
4. Pull back (Time out)
4. Re-reunion and/or
5. Estrangment
Here's a great article from [Birth Mother], First Mother Forum on the ups and downs of adoption reunion.Why do Adoption Reunions Go Awry?
My daughter (let's call her E.) and I have gone through all of these phases and, now, we are going through our longest silence since we were reunited. Rationally, I understand the reasons for this: E.s husband died about two years ago; in 2010, her natural father, E. and I were together for the first time since she was born. Both events triggered deep sorrow and anxiety for me. Meanwhile, E. was grieving the loss of her husband. What that means for our relationship is less clear, since she hasn't told me what she's feeling. All she said before cutting off contact was "I'll phone you when I'm ready." The last time we spoke was two years ago, on her birthday, so today, also on her birthday, I'm missing her, frustrated, confused, and have no idea what to do. That's because I don't know if she's taking a time-out or using the silent treatment or some combination of both. I sent her a birthday card and may try to phone her later. May. That would be a big step because she hasn't answered the phone when I called for two years and imagining her ignoring my number is distressing. On the other hand, I'm the mother and maybe I should extend myself further than a card.
What Should You Do When You Are Estranged from an Adult Child?
Knowing what to do, is complicated to say the least. Dr. Joshua Coleman, who works with parents of estranged adult children, has some suggestions.
Laura Davis, author of I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation, has many wise things to say about estrangement and I recommend her book to anyone who is dealing with estrangement in their own lives. (A full book review to follow in a future post.) Davis describes a strategy which she calls, "Leaving the Porch Light On," that makes sense to me.
I like to think of it as leaving the porch light on; you are in your home, puttering and content, focused on what you need to do in your own life, but you still keep a warm place in your heart for the person who is gone (p. 306)
Of course, this isn't as easy to do as it sounds. First, you have to get far enough along the path of acceptance and forgiveness, and that takes time. I realize that I need to know more about why my daughter can't "deal with" having me in her life. Sadly, I need to hear this from her, but reading the memoirs of other adoptees can help. I've resisted doing this because they're so triggering. However, if I cannot speak to my daughter, they are the next best thing. So, once I pass through the fragile stage I'm in now, I vow to pick out several memoirs of adoptees and see what I can learn from them. Meanwhile, I'm "keeping the porch light on," through sending birthday cards, Christmas cards, and occasional letters throughout the year. So far, E. hasn't told me to stop doing that, so I will continue.
Finally, a song by Gillian Welch, herself an adoptee. Mary Gauthier is another singer-songwriter/adoptee who has been influenced by adoption.
How have you dealt with estrangement from adult children? Have you had any issues with adoption reunion? I'd love to hear from you.
