One drink is too many for me and a thousand is not enough.
Brendan Behan
When I started writing this post, I began looking around for quotes on alcoholism. Many of the quotes I found were funny. As my son pointed out, drinking can be funny, but not if it's happening in your own home. He knows all about that because one of his older sisters is an alcoholic and during her last stay with us, she had her good days and her bad days. The good days were wonderful and the bad days were disruptive and not particularly funny. One night my son was in bed around 1 a.m. when he was awakened by a voice in his room. His sister had wandered in drunk. "Where am I?" she asked belligerently. "My room," my son declared. "So you say!" she answered. "Mom!" my son yelled and I woke up, ran down the hall and got our daughter back into bed and told her to stay there. Thankfully, I didn't hear anymore that night and another crisis was averted.
For people who have loved ones who are alcoholics, that's what the holidays are like: lurching from one potential crisis to another. If your loved one is one of those drinks-steadily-all-the-time alcoholics, you can plan for that. If they're binge drinkers like our daughter, you can't plan. All you can do is hold your breath and hope for the best, meanwhile trying to be vigilant for signs he or she is drinking. Needless to say this doesn't make for a pleasant holiday - more like Holiday Hell.
Here are some of the ways I cope with my daughter's holiday drinking.
- I try not to have expectations
- I am firm that I don't like her drinking, but that I love her
- I make sure that if she is spending Christmas with her children, they are safe
- I send her supportive cards and emails
- I do not, under any circumstances, send her money. Gift cards are a better choice
- If she visits at Christmas and drinks, I do not blame myself or her
Dealing with an alcoholic daughter, can be distressing. However, I realize that it is much easier than dealing with an alcoholic spouse or parent. Don't try and "hold it together" for the holidays if you think that your partner poses a danger to yourself or to other vulnerable family members. GET HELP. And if you are an older child - let's say a teenager or young adult - the same applies. See below for an excellent post about how to keep alcoholic family members from ruining the holidays.
5 ways to keep family members who are alcoholics from ruining the holidays
If you are coping with a loved one who drinks, Al-Anon is one of your best resources. I have to admit that I have been slow to turn to Al-Anon myself. What happens, is that during a crisis I tell myself that I really should go to an Al-Anon meeting. Then, once the crisis passes, I get busy and forget about my resolution. However, if you read the post below, it may convince you to do otherwise. I have made a resolution to attend Al-Anon meetings in the New Year and this time I mean to stick by it. So, if you are dealing with stress related to a loved one's drinking this holiday season connect with Al-Anon
Maybe you are the alcoholic and, if so, my heart goes out to you. I know a great deal about the heartbreaking struggle alcoholics face once drinking is no longer fun. I have listened to my daughter's tears, her anger, and her despair. The holidays are a lethal time of year for alcoholics and they can use all the help they can get. The bottom line, however, is that if you are that alcoholic, you have to reach out for help. The hard truth is that only you can stay sober. No one can do it for you no matter how much they love you. That being said, it is important not to beat up on yourself during the holidays. Increasing the pressure, when there's already more than enough to go around, won't help. Coping with the holidays is just plain hard work, so take a deep breath and write down these words by the Dalai Lama: "Whenever possible be kind; it is always possible." Now, hold onto that piece of paper and read it whenever you're in a self-hating mood. And DON'T follow Amy Winehouse's advice about rehab, no matter how catchy the song may be.
Last, but certainly not least, what if you are the Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACA). You escaped the holidays where there was more fighting than fun, when you had to hide in your room when things got tough, when there were more bottles than Christmas presents, but you survived. For you, the holidays are a minefield of triggers that bring back the grief and trauma of the past. If so, don't feel obliged to act HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, when what you really feel is SAD, SAD, SAD. Check the link below for more advice.
Holiday Survival Tips for Adult Children of Alcoholics
I have nothing against the Serenity Prayer that is recited at the beginning of AA meetings. Here is my alternative - a short poem by Galway Kinnel.
Prayer
Whatever happens. Whatever
what is is is what
I want. Only that. But that.
Galway Kinnell
