They say everything can be replaced
[But] Every distance is not near
Bob Dylan, I Shall Be Released
Mother and daughter
Another holiday is here and with it, for parents like myself, comes another day when we don't hear from children who are no longer in our lives. It shouldn't make a difference that today is Thanksgiving. After all, my daughter - who I relinquished for adoption when she was a baby - and I have never spent Thanksgiving together - although we had been in reunion for almost 10 years. But it hurts just the same. It hurts that she won't be phoning to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and is probably eating Thanksgiving dinner with the mother who raised her and her biological father. An unconventional arrangement, to be sure. How it happened is too complicated to explain in this post. In a nutshell, I live on the West Coast and her biological father lives only a few minutes drive away from my daughter. Last year, my daughter's husband died suddenly and things slid downhill from there. Before that, we visited each other most summers and remembered each other on holidays. Now, all that is gone.
Welcome to the heartbreakingly uncertain world of parents with estranged adult children. According to experts like Dr. Joshua Coleman, this type of estrangement is a growing epidemic. And it is never tougher than on holidays. Read Strangers at the Table for Dr. Coleman's take on why the holidays are so hard. It helps when you realize you're not alone. Still there is no getting around the painful uncertainty of never knowing when the phone might ring and it will be your son/daughter on the other end of the line. When Family Ties Unravel discusses this issue and offers some light at the end of the tunnel. The fact is that many estranged adult children and parents eventually reconcile. On the other hand, others do not.
My grandmother never lived to see the son who left home at 18. Junior was the boy sandwiched between my mother and her older sister Eve. He was a handsome young man who, as can be the way with middle children whether you are the middle of 3 or 12, felt that his father didn't treat him fairly. I don't know whether there was a final argument that made up Junior's mind or whether he meant to come home and never did. All I know is that when he walked out the door of my grandparents house one day in the 1950s, he never came back. Grandma never spoke about it. She was a loving mother, however, so I'm sure she thought about it and, as a Nazerene, I'm sure she prayed about it. I hope those prayers gave her comfort.
The fact is, it doesn't matter how many children one has, the one who is "gone" will always be on your mind. There are stages in the grief of "losing" a child to estrangement, just as there are in losing one to death. However, unlike death there is still hope. This hope can break your heart sometimes and it can also be that tiny spark of love that hasn't gone out. So, on Thanksgiving, if you're grieving for a "missing" child it's okay to feel sad. But even if you're sad, give yourself a break and listen to the Bob Marley song below (sung by Tracy Chapman). I know it always puts a smile on my face. And take a moment to read the poem below. It's not necessarily about estranged parents and children, but it could be.
The Place Where We Are Right
From the place where we are right
flowers will never grow
in the spring.
The place where we are right
is hard and trampled
like a yard.
But doubts and loves
dig up the world
like a mole, a plow.
And a whisper will be heard in the place
where the ruined
house once stood.
Yehuda Amichai (translated from the Hebrew by Stephen Mitchell)
For more on parents and estranged adult children see When Parents Hurt. Also see 3 Tips for Successful Reunions.
