If you put your soul against this oar with me, the power that made the universe will enter your sinew from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm that lives in us.
Rumi
Song of the Day
One Day I Will Walk
Sometimes, those of us who have experienced trauma or who are struggling with grief, can feel very alone. I know that I often feel alone. Sometimes, I also feel like I inhabit a different world than other people because the things I have experienced are so different from the sorts of things my friends have experienced. And, really that is the definition of trauma, "Something outside of the normal human experience." (I will talk more about my experiences in future posts.) But, we don't have to be alone. We can join a support group or join an online community. I haven't had much luck in finding an appropriate support group where I live. And that's why I've started this blog, to find others like myself, others who know that life can be unexpected and frightening. As Buddhist author, Pema Chodron said, "We breathe in knowing that our pain is shared; there are people all over the earth feeling just as we do right now." That thought eases my loneliness.
Some days we walk in flowers . . .
Here is one of the flowers that I encountered today. I walked up to the coffee shop near where I live. Once there, I ordered a latte, which came with a beautiful foam heart. I carried my coffee to an empty table, sat down and spent an hour reading and writing. Then I walked home again and on my way I met a man with a baby. I can rarely resist babies. This one was particularly beautiful. I asked the man how old the baby was. Four months, he said. What's his name, I asked. Novak, he said. Hi, Novak, I said and smiled at the baby until I got a smile back in return. A beautiful smile, the kind of smile only babies of a certain age can give, a smile of complete innocence and joy.
Some days we walk on stones
I'm not sure yet all of the stones I will encounter today. By noon, there have already been several and I know there will be more before the day is over. I checked my email this morning and, like all mornings during the past year, there wasn't an email from the daughter who isn't speaking to me. And, even though I realize there probably won't be an email from her today, it still hurts. I don't completely understand why she won't communicate with me (More on that later). But it is a rare day that I don't feel her absence.
Second stone - I spoke to my parents on the phone. They are in their late 70s and live 2,000 miles away and my mother hasn't been well. We talked for a while about how she's doing and then she said five little words that always wring my heart: "I wish you were here." I know my parents face many challenges and my sisters who live closer help them with those challenges and I can't. Not right now.
Third stone - my husband is not comfortable talking about grief and other "dark" emotions. He hasn't gone through the kind of trauma I have. He has grief, as who doesn't who has reached the age of 50? But he rarely speaks of his griefs and when I try to talk to him about my own grief and trauma, it sometimes seems like I am speaking a foreign language and then I feel very alone.
What flowers or stones have you encountered today?
